Thanks, Babe.

Last night, the husband noticed I've been dressing differently.  In a good way.  Ever since I tossed all my fugly clothes, I only wear stuff that makes me feel good.  Because why pass up an opportunity to feel good?  Don't think too hard on that one.  Anyway, this is something easy and I have to get dressed anyway.  Might as well choose the good stuff.  It's kind of amazing how much of a little boost it gives me to not look like I'd rather be in bed.  I feel ready.  It's good.  Have I mentioned, good? 

I'd say that my little project has accomplished something already.

Now, if I could just put my violin down long enough to sew again.  The violin stuff I have to work on this week is kind of tedious and boring, so maybe it will happen.  (okay, it's been a couple days since I wrote this, and nope.  I'm still practicing just as much.)  But it's also really hard and cool, so I should put the time in.  I absolutely love feeling pulled in these different directions.  And miraculously, my kids are still learning and we are still fed and clothed and the house isn't utter squalor.  Even more miraculously, (not now, but for the last couple weeks) I cleaned ALL THE THINGS and kept it up!  I think because my attitude is in a much more positive place.  I'm not resenting the things I need to do.

Today I wept. And Painted. And Practiced.

All day I had a lump in my throat and tears on the brink.  I even lost a few.  Not sure why.  Emotional letdown.  I felt so good last week.  Bright.  Invincible almost.  Today I feel vulnerable.  Soft.

My solution was to put on the paint smeared 7 Of All Mankind jeans I found at The Bins that fit me perfectly.  I stopped there on the way back from ArtFest.  I admit part of the reason I bought them is because I've heard they are 'spensive, and they were my size.  And paint-smeared!  It was a sign.  A Buy Me sign.  They were sitting near another pair of skinny jeans that will fit into my boots.  They also fit me perfectly (without even trying them on) Score!  Also got a nightstand to refinish, a nice wool sweater, a sparkly grey scarf I love, and a leather purse I also love.  I imagine these all came from the same fabulous gal who should totally give me all her cast offs in the future.  Anyhow, I figured the painty jeans would be great to wear when I need a kick in the pants.  I do well with some sort of uniform.  I used to wear certain clothes when I designed purses.  It got me into work mode.  So I donned the pants and started squirting paint into my hands and just went at the canvas.  That's when I really wept.  I can't put it into words at the moment, but it had to be released.

 I decided a while ago that I wanted to paint Anne Frank.  I need a first project that isn't trying too hard.  Something that just is what it is, but is more than a bowl of goddamn fruit.  I got started, and then had to let it dry because it was getting dangerously close to a smeary mess.

Of course, girls wanted in on the fun.  On canvas boards no less!  Paper is just no longer good enough.  Cardboard will also do.  Must remember to keep all cardboard from now on.  I had to lay down the law on my paints and brushes though.  They have good paint and brushes, but don't touch mama's!

They were very excited to follow my lead by painting with their hands and smearing paint on my pants!  Thank you Target for the clearance plastic tablecloth.  I drag it out whenever they want to paint.  I used to wipe it off every time, but those days are over.  It is for art now and nothing else.

Paint needed to dry and the girls got into the tub, so I practiced my violin for a while.  I was working on the next two lines of Autumn Leaves, which I had just figured out.  I YouTubed a million versions.  This one is beyond cool but not exactly what I need to learn.  Still helps to have something in my head while I'm playing.  My teacher is going to make me a recording of this song and the scales I'm learning.  Get on it, Luke.  I want it now!  I'm really excited for that.  I'm such a nerd.

It also lead me down a fun YouTube road of other Edith Piaf music.  I need to watch Ma Vie En Rose again!  Back to the song... so I just barely have it memorized, and I still have to work on where the notes land.  No frets!  Violin is hardcore shit.  It's crazy all the things you have to be aware of, and how it comes together.  I'm starting to be able to think of the how it should sound and know where my fingers need to go rather than just visualizing what's on the page.  I think that's why I'm doing so much better without the tapes.  This video was my second time doing all 4 lines together.  The first half I'm just trying to remember how it goes, and the second part I was actually putting it together.  I was also trying to bow lighter and faster than I have been.  It's harder for me, and I've only been working on it since yesterday.  It bounces and scratches around more, especially when I'm playing near the tip.  The sound is much nicer though.  The whole thing is pretty painful, but I thought it would be fun to see how I progress.  Not bad for 3 weeks in, right? Hmm.  The video isn't synchronized with the audio.  Ugh.  Why so wonky, computer?

Oh, and that shirt I'm wearing, I made a long time ago from the Built By Wendy Stretch book.  The fabric has sparkly gold threads that make me happy and I love the boatneck and longer than usual sleeves.  This past week, I've worn at least 3 pieces I made myself.  Anyway, after all the paint, and noise, and now words, I feel much better.  Hmm, so I just realized you can't really see my shirt in the bad video.  Whatever.  This is my self indulgent blog of frivolous ramblings on beautifulness, so I will talk about it anyway.  pffffft.

Sunrise Poem

Sleepily they squirm
and stretch back to life
Always my eyes blink open first
The warm glow of them
their lush skin and breath
My velvet morning prayer
Grateful for these chains
I wrap myself in their weight
Plant my feet
and rise

Coming Down

Just a week ago I was about to leave for ArtFest, full of nerves and excitement.  No idea what the next few days held for me.  Now I'm back and it's over.  But I'm so changed.  I feel like this came into my life at the perfect moment.  The past year or so, I have been really dissecting myself and trying to figure myself out.  I suppose that came about because I found myself extremely unhappy for seemingly no reason.  I felt empty and dissatisfied even though all my needs were met.  Except they weren't.  I'd become accustomed to not listening to myself.  I'd shrunken down deep within myself and I was still in there, small and screaming to not be forgotten.  So I had to figure that out.  It was quite a process, and obviously will never be finished, but I've made a lot of progress.  I had to give myself permission to fulfill more than just my needs. To realize that the things I feel drawn to feed my spirit and help me grow and if I don't do them, I am committing spiritual suicide.  There's no point to that.  I'd become empty and disconnected.  It was like the plug had been pulled and I was slowly draining out of myself.  Now is refilling time, and I feel better than I have in, well, probably ever.  The best part of ArtFest was being surrounded by creative people, who live creative lives.  All of them were brave.  Fearless in one way or another.  Their souls were expansive.  Everyone was an open book.  An open link waiting to hold onto something and just feel it and learn from it before letting it go.  There was only one person I met who seemed clouded in jaded judgment.  It was painfully obvious that she was lugging some heavy baggage, but also so refreshing that this attitude was the odd one out instead of the other way around.  I'm ready to go forward.  I'm excited and curious to see what each new day brings from here.  And I'm determined to make it good.

Drawing Again

Trying to keep the juices flowing.  Worked on these over the past few weeks.  I was looking at paisley designs online for something simple to paint in the top corners of the window trim and thought I should draw some.  They turned into creatures.

Bird Lady

Strange fish with earth in its belly. 

I am not so sure about this one.  Boring Whale.

This is really weird, and not like anything I've ever made before.  I saw a shadow that registered immediately as this image in my mind, so I ran for a pen and put it on paper.  Standing on a ledge, feeling the wind.  I started with her hair and face.  By the time I got to her hands, I'd kind of lost the mojo.

Carpet Bag

I made this bag out of a rug I had that started unraveling.  I loved the rug and didn't want to chuck it.  It took me forever to decide what shape to make the bag.  As in, it's been on my to-make list for about 8 years.  I decided I just wanted to fit my big sketchbook/journal in it and sewed onward without a full plan.  It's always so hard for me to decide when to stop designing and just go forward.  After a while it's pretty futile anyway, because things always come up during the construction.  I'll have a new idea, or something works well or doesn't.  A trim will call to me.. I just love the process.  It's such a conversation.  I couldn't wait to use it, so I didn't even sew up the hole in the lining for turning.  Just filled it up and went out.  Still need to stitch that up!  It has an inner pocket, magnetic snap, detachable strap (salvaged hardware from a purse strap I scrounged from a friend's Goodwill pile) and little round silver studs for fun.  Red taffeta lining $1/yd from the outdoor sale at Fabric Depot, and parts of the belt of my grandma's old rain jacket.

These pictures kind of suck, but I just wanted to get them up.